115 Funny Sayings

In this post, you will find amazing funny  sayings.

Funny Sayings

Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.

I’m not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.

Never test how deep the water is with both feet.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry..

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

When life gives you lemons.. Squirt it in your enemies’ eyes!

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?

Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Short funny sayings

When nothing is going right, go left.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Life is Short – Talk Fast!

Adults are just kids with money.

Vegetarians are killing the rainforest.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs

Save water and shower together

He, who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

Save paper, don’t do home work.

Don’t follow my footsteps I run into walls!

Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Your intelligence is my common sense.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Laughter is inner jogging.

The past is only the future with lights on.

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills it students.

Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Some people just need a high five.

Those who snore always fall asleep first.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have sexy imagination.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Top Ten Funny Sayings

You will find here top ten funny sayings selected by our team.

  1. When nothing is going right, go left.
  2. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  3. Save water and shower together.
  4. Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!
  5. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  6. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
  7. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  8. I don’t have a dirty mind, I have sexy imagination.
  9. When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.
  10. Change is good, but dollars are better.

Funny Quotes

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” —Harry S. Truman

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey

“My life needs editing.” —Mort Sahl

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” —Jerry Sein

“Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” —Mark Twain

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” —Steven Wright

“Reality continues to ruin my life.” —Bill Watterson

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” —Erma Bombeck

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” —Mark Twain

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” —Oliver Herford

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” —Steven Wright

“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” —Warren Buffett

“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” —Albert Einstein

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” —Mark Twain

“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” —Edgar Watson Howe

“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” —Laurence J. Peter

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” —Will Rogers

“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” —Gore Vidal

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” —George Carlin

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.” —Larry Lorenzoni

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” —John F. Kennedy

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Fred Allen

“I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.” —Steven Wright

“Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.” —Albert King

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” —Mark Twain

“We are all born mad. Some remain so.” —Samuel Beckett

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A. Milne

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” —Mitch Hedberg

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield

“The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin

“The most important thing is not to stop questioning.” —Albert Einstein

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W. C. Fields

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor

“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” —Clint Eastwood

“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?” —Steven Wright

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” —Buddy Hackett

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” —Drake

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” —Ellen DeGeneres

“Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.” —Thor Heyerdahl

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” —Steven Wright

“I am only human, although I regret it.” —Mark Twain

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” —Steve Martin

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” —Laurell K. Hamilton