62 Funniest Quotes and Sayings Ever
In this post, you will find amazing funniest quotes and sayings.
Table of Contents
Short Funniest Sayings
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” —Jerry Seinfeld
Save paper, don’t do home work.” —Unknown
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” —Cathy Guisewite
“Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.” —Unknown
“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” —Benjamin Franklin
“I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.” —Unknown
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” —Groucho Marx
“All men are equal before fish.” —Herbert Hoover
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” —Oscar Wilde
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” —Oscar Wilde
“A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.” —Samuel Butler
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” —Unknown
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” —Dale Carnegie
“Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” —Anon
“Your intelligence is my common sense.” —Unknown
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” —John F. Kennedy
“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.” —Benjamin Franklin
“The best way to lie is to tell the truth.carefully edited truth.” —Unknown
“My life needs editing.” —Mort Sahl
“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.” —Tommy Cooper
“Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back.” —Unknown
“Adults are just kids with money.” —Unknown
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” —Groucho Marx
“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” —Clint Eastwood
“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” —Mitch Hedberg
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A. A. Milne
“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.” —Unknown
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” —Woody Allen
“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” —Charles Gordy
“Marriage is not about age; it’s about finding the right person.” —Sophia Bush
Funniest Sayings
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” —Chris Rock
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.” —Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” —Steven Wright
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.” —Unknown
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” —Steven Wright
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” —Jules Renard
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” —Lana Turner
“Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience.” —Unknown
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” —Mark Twain
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” —Albert Einstein
“Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.” —Unknown
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” —George Carlin
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” —Marian Keyes
“I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.” —Denis Waitley
“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” —Sacha Guitry
“A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” —Elbert Hubbard
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” —Walter Matthau
“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.” —Woody Allen
“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” —Oscar Levant
“When opportunity knocks, some people are in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.” —Polish Proverb
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them. well, I have others.” —Groucho Marx
“The greatest thief this world ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” —Henry Wheeler Shaw
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Unknown
“Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.” —Winston Churchill
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” —Robert Orben
“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.” —Oscar Wilde
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” —Paul Fix
“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.” —Mae West\
Top Ten Funniest Sayings
Here you will find top ten funniest sayings selected by our team.
- “Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” —Benjamin Franklin
- “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” —Chris Rock
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A. A. Milne
- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
- “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” —Jerry Seinfeld
- “Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back.” —Unknown
- “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” —Lana Turner
- “Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.” —Unknown
- “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” —Mark Twain
- “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them. well, I have others.” —Groucho Marx
