60 Funny Marriage Quotes and Sayings
In this post, you will find funny marriage sayings.
Table of Contents
Short Funny Marriage Sayings
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage can wait, education cannot.” —Khaled Hosseini
“The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.” —Ratna Deep
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” —Red Skelton
“Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” —St. Jerome
“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” —Mae West
“If I get married, I want to be very married.” —Audrey Hepburn
“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” —G. K. Chesterton
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” —Ambrose Bierce
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is like a walk in the park…” —Jurrasic Park
“An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” —Booth Tarkington
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” —Groucho Marx
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.” —Unknown
Funny Marriage Sayings
“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” —Evelyn Hendrickson
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” —Carrie
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” —Cher
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.” —Sigmund Freud
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” —Billy Connolly
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” —Joyce Brothers
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” —Marilyn Monroe
“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” —John Wilmot
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” —Michel de Montaigne
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” —H. L. Mencken
“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” —Groucho Marx
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married?” —Barbra Streisand
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” —Eddie Cantor
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” —Groucho Marx
“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.” —Hermant Joshi
“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” —Oscar Wilde
“I didn’t find out what happiness means until I got married… and then it was too late.” —Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” —Raymond Hull
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Being in a long marriage is a little bit like that nice cup of coffee every morning – I might have it every day, but I still enjoy it.” —Stephen Gaines
“Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” —Unknown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
“Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.” —Rama Kochhar
“Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.” —Beverley Nichols
“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” —Gabriel García
Márquez
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“If there is any skill needed by both persons in a marriage, it is the skill of listening.” —John Savage
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” —Sam Levenson
Top Ten Funny Marriage Sayings
Here you will find top ten funny marriage sayings selected by our team.
- “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” —Michel de Montaigne
- “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” —Groucho Marx
- “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” —Groucho Marx
- “I didn’t find out what happiness means until I got married… and then it was too late.” —Unknown
- “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
- “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” —Unknown
- “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” —Joyce Brothers
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
- “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash
