115 Funny Quotes and Sayings
In this post, you will find amazing funny quotes and sayings.
Table of Contents
Short funny sayings
“When nothing is going right, go left.” —Unknown
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” —Jerry Sein
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?” —Unknown
“Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.” —Unknown
“Fart when people hug you. You’ll make them feel strong.” —Unknown
“Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” —Unknown
“Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.” —Unknown
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” —Harry S. Truman
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey
“My life needs editing.” —Mort Sahl
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” —Unknown
“I’m not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing.” —Unknown
“He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.” —Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” —Steven Wright
“I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.” —Unknown
“Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.” —Unknown
“Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!” —Unknown
“Never test how deep the water is with both feet.” —Unknown
“Reality continues to ruin my life.” —Bill Watterson
“Never have more children than you have car windows.” —Erma Bombeck
“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.” —Unknown
“Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.” —Unknown
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” —George Carlin
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” —Unknown
“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” —Steven Wright
“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.” —Unknown
“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.” —Warren Buffett
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” —Mark Twain
“A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.” —Unknown
“My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.” —Unknown
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” —Laurence J. Peter
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” —Will Rogers
“If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.” —Unknown
“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” —John F. Kennedy
“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” —Unknown
“Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.” —Unknown
“I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.” —Steven Wright
“Life is Short – Talk Fast!” —Unknown
“Adults are just kids with money.” —Unknown
“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” —Mark Twain
“Vegetarians are killing the rain forest.” —Unknown
“Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.” —Unknown
“Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.” —Albert King
“Save water and shower together.” —Unknown
“He, who wakes up early, yawns all day long.” —Unknown
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” —Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A. Milne
“We are all born mad. Some remain so.” —Samuel Beckett
“When life gives you lemons.. Squirt it in your enemies’ eyes!” —Unknown
“When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?” —Unknown
“I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.” —Unknown
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” —Mitch Hedberg
“The road to success is always under construction.” —Lily Tomlin
“When you fall, I will be there to catch you – With love, the floor.” —Unknown
“Save paper, don’t do home work.” —Unknown
“The most important thing is not to stop questioning.” —Albert Einstein
“Don’t follow my footsteps I run into walls!” —Unknown
“Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.” —Unknown
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W. C. Fields
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” —Unknown
“Your intelligence is my common sense.” —Unknown
“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.” —Unknown
“If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” —Clint Eastwood
“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?” —Steven Wright
“Laughter is inner jogging.” —Unknown
“The past is only the future with lights on.” —Unknown
“Change is good, but dollars are better.” —Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” —Buddy Hackett
“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” —Drake
“Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills it students.” —Unknown
“Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.” —Unknown
“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” —Ellen DeGeneres
“If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.” —Unknown
“Some people just need a high five.” —Unknown
“Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.” —Thor Heyerdahl
“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.” —Steven Wright
“I am only human, although I regret it.” —Mark Twain
“Those who snore always fall asleep first.” —Unknown
“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have sexy imagination.” —Unknown
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” —Unknown
Funny Sayings
“When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.” —Unknown
“Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” —Mark Twain
“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” —Mark Twain
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” —Oliver Herford
“Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.” —Unknown
“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” —Albert Einstein
“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” —Edgar Watson Howe
“If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales???” —Unknown
“The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” —Gore Vidal
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” —Winston Churchill
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Fred Allen
“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.” —Unknown
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” —George Carlin
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.” —Larry Lorenzoni
“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.” —Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” —Unknown
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?” —Unknown
“Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.” —Unknown
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” —Steve Martin
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” —Laurell K. Hamilton
“When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.” —Unknown
Top Ten Funny Sayings
You will find here top ten funny sayings selected by our team.
- “When nothing is going right, go left.” —Unknown
- “Save water and shower together.” —Unknown
- “Dear maths…!! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself!” —Unknown
- “Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” —Mark Twain
- “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.” —Larry Lorenzoni
- “Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.” —Unknown
- “Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.” —Unknown
- “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” —Unknown
- “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” —Harry S. Truman
- “When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you.” —Unknown
